January 27, 2021 | by The Babylon Bee

Merriam-Webster Changes Definition Of ‘White Supremacist’ To ‘Anyone Who Wins In The Stock Market When They’re Not Supposed To’

SPRINGFIELD, MA—WallStreetBets has been banned from Reddit and Discord after conspiring to make money on the stock market, even though they are unworthy of such riches. Shortly after they were banned for "hateful and discriminatory con…

January 27, 2021 | by Josh Blackman

South Bay Returns to the Supreme Court

The church will have to deal with California’s revised stay-at-home order.

January 27, 2021 | by Ed Krayewski

Chris Stewart: Race, COVID-19, and the Future of School Choice

Black families need control of their children’s K-12 education, says the Minnesota activist. The past year’s lockdowns might just make that happen.

January 27, 2021 | by Ed Krayewski

Can California Employee Be Fired for Attending the Jan. 6 Protest at the Capitol?

California statutes suggest the answer may be no, so long as the firing is based on the political activity, and not on criminal conduct.

January 27, 2021 | by The Babylon Bee

Man Brilliantly Debunks Incorrect Thing He Found Online With Another Incorrect Thing He Found Online

GOSHEN, IN—The internet is a safer place today after local social media user Josh Drevelle heroically debunked a random thing he found online with another random thing he found online. According to reliable, fact-checked sources that can easily …

January 27, 2021 | by The Babylon Bee

FDA Approves New, Even More Accurate COVID Test That Requires A Swab Of Your Exposed Heart

U.S.—After concerning reports of inaccurate nasal-swab COVID tests, and the release of a slightly more accurate anal-swab test, the FDA has approved the use of the most accurate COVID test yet, which will require a swab of your op…

January 27, 2021 | by The Babylon Bee

Dad Left In Charge Of Kids Frantically Googles ‘What Do Children Eat?’

TIERRASANTA, CA—Local father Carlos Maricio was briefly left in charge of his kids as his wife had to run to the store to buy groceries for the family for an hour or two.
The post Dad Left In Charge Of Kids Frantically Google…

January 27, 2021 | by The Babylon Bee

Biden Orders Surgeon General’s Warnings Placed On All Biology Textbooks

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden signed an executive order today mandating that all biology textbooks have a Surgeon General’s Warning placed on them. The labels will warn potential consumers of the books’ harmful content, including implications that there are only two biological genders and that you have either XX chromosomes or XY chromosomes, and that these chromosomes will determine your sex at the moment of conception.

The post Biden Orders Surgeon General’s Warnings Placed On All Biology Textbooks appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

January 27, 2021 | by The Babylon Bee

Democrats Announce Lockdowns Can Be Lifted Now That We’ve Defeated The True Virus: Trump

U.S.—Prominent Democrats from around the country declared in the days following the inauguration that severe lockdowns could be lifted now that the true virus had been defeated: Donald J. Trump, or as he is known in scientific circles,&nbsp…

January 27, 2021 | by Ed Krayewski

Teachers Unions Use Accusations of Racism To Oppose School Reopening

Good Democratic voters don’t like being called racist Trump supporters, which unions are leveraging to keep schools closed.

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