King Corn

All eyes in the country are focused this day on a small state with a smaller population: Iowa.

Look, I’m from away, so I’m not going to pretend I understand why twits in Iowa and New Hampshire matter more than the general population, or h

ow that can be considered fair. Whatever. Not my country – carry on.

In any case, a bunch of middle aged white people are going to fire the first shot today for the GOP nomination. The Iowa Caucuses.

So who’s on the ticket right now?

Newt: I’m throwing my ample weight behind him, because he’s smarter than everyone on that stage and your father.

Perry: Almost perfect, but likes the gardening help a bit too much. Wants to educate them. Despite popular belief, does not want to drug your daughters and turn them into sluts. Though I’d like to see him overcome that sin and move ahead.

Romney: Good hair. A Massachusetts Republican is called a Democrat in the rest of the country.

Santorum: Yawn.

Bachmann: Batshit crazy. Cured her gay husband, dontcha know!

Ron Paul: Makes Bachmann look sane. Complete loon. Hates Jews.

Hunstman: Asked where Iowa was, then skipped it.

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