Next time, just go with sharks with laser beams on their heads

Election 2016 featured all the benchmarks of a secret agent yarn.

Campaign officials and political party flacks conspired with Russian agents to rig the 2016 U.S. presidential election. There were secret meetings in Moscow, wiretaps, shady document exchanges, payoffs and even a really twisted sex scandal. Turncoats operating at the highest levels of the federal government helped move enough uranium to a spooky foreign dictator to give everyone on earth a St. Tropez tan. The ready-for-the-big-screen show even starred a British MI6 agent; and, given the proclivities of some of the major players, I have no doubt there was a leggy blonde with a winter Olympics accent somewhere in there. However, while Election 2016 and its fallout unraveled like a spy film, it was less James Bond  and more Austin Powers.

To say that the Democrats’ “Trump-Russia” narrative has collapsed is to say Fat Bastard was a little on the fluffy side. As we now know, it was they who colluded with the Russians to rig the 2016 election. They fell victim to the same blunder that has doomed villains from Dr. No to Dr. Evil: hubris.

They honestly believed they could cry “wolf” over fictional charges against Donald Trump, and the scrutiny those charges invited wouldn’t end up leading back to them. They believed that their media minions still held enough sway over public opinion that no one would break the Democrat-Media Complex’s stranglehold on information. They believed that Obama-era Democrats, who consider Chelsea Handler and Rachel Maddow to be modern Oracles at Delphi, could keep a secret out of nothing more than loyalty. And, worst of all, they believed that a bunch of knotheads who couldn’t successfully pull off rigging a home-court debate against Larry David’s angry cousin could pull of rigging an election against what may be the greatest self-promoter since P.T. Barnum.

In contracting with the Russians to steal the White House, Hillary Clinton’s campaign and their Democratic Party henchmen — henchpersons? — put together a plan which cost millions, involved a conspiracy which spanned continents and failed so spectacularly it was as if Madame Clinton and her pantsuits had finally transmogrified into a rest-home version of Dr. Evil. At least when Blofeld and Spectre broadcast their sinister plan ahead of time, the plan belonged on “DIY,” not “TMZ.”

James Bond villains hired badass muscle like “Jaws” and “OddJob,” not bumbling narcissists like Mark Elias and Christopher Steele. I’m confident that Dr. No would have forcefully demurred if asked to either “whip” or “nay nay” on Ellen. And Goldfinger’s map to world domination was way too cool to include an insane “dossier” involving the kind of stuff you pay extra for in Vegas.

Rest assured, none of the major players are going to see the inside of a jail cell for any of this. Not ex-MI6 rat Christopher Steele, who authored the infamous dossier. Not the faceless stooges at Fusion GPS, the spooky Washington firm that deliberately operates in the gray areas around the law. Not Mark Elias, the sleazy Hillary lawyer who blatantly lied about the source of the “dossier” for nearly a year. Not former FBI Director James Comey, who ran an agency which continued to shovel our tax dollars into Steele’s facehole well after his credibility fell into doubt. Not former President Bill Clinton, who pocketed $500,000 for a quick chat in Moscow while helping finesse the sale of 20 percent of America’s uranium to Rosatom, a front for the Russian government. Not former President Barack Obama, who was apprised of Russian efforts to insert themselves in the election, yet did nothing — rather conveniently — considering their intended beneficiary.

And certainly not Hillary, who maintains she knew nothing about any of it… despite being the singularity at the center of all the byzantine efforts to secure the White House for her. Nope, they’re going to pass the buck so they can be around for the sequel.

Because, as incredible as it seems, the Democrats still believe she can make a comeback — just like Dr. Evil.  And just like Dr. Evil, their plan will be more complicated than a Rube Goldberg machine. And just like Dr. Evil, she’ll lose.

— Ben Crystal

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