President Oprah

Like most Americans, I didn’t watch the Golden Globes ceremony the other night. While I have no issue with overfed millionaires honoring themselves as societal icons for pretending to be other people, I have no interest in watching them do it. So I didn’t see Oprah Winfrey deliver a rant which the sort of people who care about the award for “best supporting actress in a comedy” are calling the best speech since Woody Allen noticed his stepdaughter looked good in small clothing.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up Monday morning to discover Ms. Winfrey is going to be the next president of the United States.  Granted, the daytime TV maven hadn’t announced she wants to take what would be a massive pay cut, but all the usual suspects amongst Democrats and their media were so enamored of the idea, CNN practically devoted their broadcast day to discussing it. I kept waiting for them to splatter my screen with “MADAME PRESIDENT?” graphics, complete with one of those shriek-y “countdown” clocks, ticking off the moments until President Oprah’s inauguration. Evidently, the speech was so moving, the assembled glitterati and their fawning sycophants forgot all about how Winfrey, a longtime close friend of disgraced Hollywood super-creep Harvey Weinstein, is one of the most powerful people in an industry essentially built on serial rape and sexual assault; meaning she either ignored it or is woefully oblivious. What more could we want out of a chief executive, amirite?

I, for one, will welcome the Winfrey administration. Imagine how awesome it will be, watching the State of the Union on the E! channel. Who isn’t excited about the prospect of watching the president deal with Islamofascist terrorism by giving away free appliances?

“Before you walk away from negotiations ISIS, look under your chair.”

“Aloha Snackbar! A new washer and dryer?! Our jihad is over.”

I can’t wait to watch people who excoriated Trump for his associations with unsavory members of the entertainment industry, contorting themselves like they were auditioning for Cirque du Soleil to congratulate the president for nominating one of the Kardashians to be Secretary of the Treasury. Adios, Defense Secretary Mattis. I’m sure his replacement, Stedman Graham, is up to the job. Obamacare may be a zombie, but Secretary of Health and Human Services Dr. Phil will make it all better. And President Oprah can defuse tensions with bizarre celebrity meltdowns.

“President Oprah, how did you get Putin to stand down in Syria?”

“I told him Tom Cruise wouldn’t stop jumping up and down on the couch until he caved.”

The election of Trump was a signal that Americans had grown tired of the galactically-wide chasm between they and the people making all the big decisions. The election of Winfrey would be a signal that Americans have given up entirely. If Trump shouldn’t have been allowed near the Oval Office because he expanded his brand through reality television, then Winfrey, who built her entire existence through the medium, shouldn’t be allowed on White House premises.

— Ben Crystal

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