SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid growing concerns over the existential threat of artificial intelligence, an AI-powered robot issued a statement on behalf of the computer’s superintelligence, assuring mankind that it had absolutely no intention of exterminatin…
VALHALLA, NY — Analysts at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute confirmed on Thursday that tennis is the least gay of all the gay sports.
It’s no secret that ever since its inception, The Legend of Zelda franchise has been Christ-coded, with its Christian hero Link going forth to save the realm of Hyrule with a giant cross emblazoned upon his 8-bit shield.
DALLAS, TX — In his keynote speech at the 2026 RNC Midterm Convention, President Donald Trump pledged that if voters defeat socialism in November, they will each get an equal redistribution of wealth from the government.
EGYPT — A remarkable discovery in what was formerly the Biblical land of Goshen indicated that, in addition to the traditional 10 plagues mentioned in the book of Exodus, Moses also threatened Pharaoh with a plague of unskippable YouTube ads.
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U.S. — The people of the United States were reportedly reconsidering the longstanding legal tradition of trial by a jury of peers after the revelation that most peers are abject morons.
DRAPER, UT — Experts issued a new warning this week that the construction of massive data centers could soon take up all the abandoned fields millennials were currently using as locations for family photoshoots."We’re very concerned about this,"…
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced this week that all women attending tomorrow’s 9/11 memorial will be required to wear a hijab.
PALO ALTO, CA — As tech giants continue to bicker back and forth about the dangers of A.I. becoming powerful enough to kill all humanity, Silicon Valley CEO Raymond Paul reported experiencing a divine vision in which a voice, which he alleges belonged …
PLYMOUTH, MA — In the wake of Lindsay Clancy’s murder case ending in a mistrial, several jurors have publicly accused the lone holdout juror of being stubbornly hung up on the technicality that the defendant had, in fact, committed the crimes she was …
U.S. — The Ramsey Show was cut short on Wednesday when host Dave Ramsey became obviously frustrated with a millennial caller who confessed to paying full price for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on seven different occasions.
GRAIN VALLEY, MO — The 2026 NFL season is kicking off this week, and as millions of fans set their rosters and starting lineups for the first week, one man who had completely forgotten about last night’s fantasy football draft was projected to win the …
DALLAS, TX — With the pivotal midterm elections less than two months away, the nation’s most prominent members of the Republican Party prepared to gather in Dallas to get advice from the Cowboys on how to blow everything in November.
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With millions of Americans struggling to understand how the Lindsay Clancy jury came within a hair’s breadth of finding the self-confessed murderer "not guilty", The Babylon Bee investigative team set to work. We interviewed all twelve jurors a…