January 28, 2022 1:01 pm

China Changes Ending Of ‘Winnie The Pooh’ So Pooh Conquers The World And Enslaves Ethnic Minorities

BEIJING—After successfully changing the ending of ‘Fight Club’ to one where the state authorities win, China’s Ministry of Culture has released a new version of Disney’s 1977 film, ‘The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.’ In the new ending, Pooh conquers the world and enslaves ethnic minorities.

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January 28, 2022 11:13 am

Traveler Having Trouble Finding Luggage Among Scores Of Illegal Immigrants On Baggage Claim Carousel

CHICAGO O’HARE—Local businessman Garth Puttysmite had no idea his trip to the Central Division Homemade Soaps & Lotions Convention would include an hours-long search for his luggage due to the scores of illegal immigrants accumulating on the baggage claim carousel.

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January 28, 2022 10:27 am

Democrats Clarify They’re Only Pro-Choice About Killing Kids, Not About Where They Attend School

WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children a…

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January 28, 2022 9:57 am

Biden Seen Looking At Paint Color Swatches To Choose Next Supreme Court Justice

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court Justice.
The post Biden Seen Looking At Paint Color Swatches To Choose Next Supreme …

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January 27, 2022 3:30 pm

Osteen Unable To Complete Wordle As Word Is ‘Bible’

HOUSTON, TX—Televangelist Joel Osteen grew frustrated Thursday morning when he was unable to complete the day’s Wordle puzzle because the answer was “BIBLE,” a term with which he is not familiar.

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January 27, 2022 2:53 pm

Report: Strong Spike In Google Searches For ‘Who Is Neil Young’

U.S.—For some unknown reason, several outlets are reporting a strong spike in internet searches for “Who is Neil Young?” With little information about this unknown character available, and with all memory of the man’s existence having been erased from America’s collective memory for decades, many are still being left guessing.

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January 27, 2022 2:07 pm

Amy Schneider’s Winning Streak Ended After Being Asked To Name The Gender That Has Two X Chromosomes

BURBANK, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider’s winning streak on Jeopardy has ended. Despite holding the record for Jeopardy’s highest-earning female contestant ever, Schneider was defeated after being confounded by the clue, ‘this gender has two X chromosomes.’

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January 27, 2022 12:07 pm

Polite Canadian Truck Drivers Ask Evil, Tyrannical Government To ‘Please Restore Our Freedoms If You Don’t Mind, Eh’

CANADA—Over 50,000 trucker drivers are driving all the way from Vancouver to Ottawa to protest the federal government’s vaccine mandates. They plan to drive straight up to the heart of the evil, tyrannical government and politely ask them …

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January 27, 2022 10:55 am

Biden Commits To Picking A Diversity Hire For SCOTUS Since That Worked So Well With His VP

WASHINGTON, D.C—Justice Stephen Breyer has announced he is retiring from the Supreme Court, sparking intense speculation for who Biden will be nominating to replace him. In response, the President has pledged to nominate a woman of color for SCO…

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January 27, 2022 10:09 am

New Minnie Mouse Pantsuit Design Includes Baton For Beating Uyghur Prisoners

PARIS—Minnie Mouse will be sporting a new look this March for Women’s History Month when she finalizes her divorce from Mickey and becomes an independent businesswoman in a pantsuit. The new outfit comes with a stylish baton for beating Uyghur prisoners who miss their manufacturing quota.

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January 27, 2022 8:57 am

Biden Reminds Everyone That Black Justices Can Be Just As Smart As Rich Ones

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones. 
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January 26, 2022 4:28 pm

Exclusive: The Babylon Bee Has Obtained Biden’s List Of Possible SCOTUS Nominees

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January 26, 2022 3:13 pm

‘Why Do Good Things Happen At All?’ Asks Atheist Struggling With His Faith

PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn’t care whether he suffers or not. 

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January 26, 2022 2:15 pm

Dinklage Tries To Cancel ‘Snow White’ But Comes Up Short

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
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