September 28, 2022 3:33 pm

Biden Vows Next Hurricane To Hit US Will Be Named After A Woman Of Color

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Hurricane Ian made landfall in Florida, Biden held a press conference to criticize the hurricane naming system and vow that the next major storm will be named after a woman of color.

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September 28, 2022 2:19 pm

7 Easy Ways To Increase Your Church’s Star Rating On Yelp

Everyone knows the biggest sign of a spiritually healthy church is the number of 5-star Yelp reviews you have, but oh no! Your church has a 2-star average rating!

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September 28, 2022 12:45 pm

Conservatives Disappointed By Technicality That Says Prime Minister Of Italy Cannot Also Be President Of The U.S.

U.S. — In the wake of Italy electing Giorgia Meloni as Prime Minister, millions of Americans have gotten their hopes up that she might also become the President of the United States. Unfortunately, according to a small, little-known technicality, the P…

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September 28, 2022 12:08 pm

Aides Quickly Grab Biden’s Arm As He Tries To Follow The Light Again

WASHINGTON, DC — A potentially disastrous situation was averted yesterday as White House aides were able to grab President Biden’s arm in the nick of time and lead him away just as he was beginning to “follow the light.”

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September 28, 2022 11:24 am

Wife Tells Server She Will Just Have A Light Salad Followed By Her Husband’s Entree

GROVE CITY, FL — Date night for Madilynn and Murphy McMickerson started off just like every other date night when Madilynn told the server she would just have a light salad followed by her husband’s entire entree.

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September 28, 2022 10:00 am

Authorities Warn That Hurricane Could Cause Florida To Have As Many Water And Power Shortages As California

TAMPA BAY, FL — Authorities are warning that the destructive power of Hurricane Ian is so severe that it could cause Florida to experience water and power shortage almost as bad as they have in California.

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September 28, 2022 8:56 am

Cashier Worried That Woman With 39 Keychain Tags May Be Cheating On Him With Other Grocery Stores

LEXINGTON, KY — Local cashier Dan Johnson couldn’t help but worry that the woman who just checked out with dozens of key fob tags might be cheating on him with other grocery stores.

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September 27, 2022 3:26 pm

10 Famous College Grads Who Prove How Smart College Makes You

AOC: One of America’s foremost intellectuals, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has knowledge, wit, and wisdom that is as deep as it is wide. All thanks to her economics degree from Boston University!David Hogg: He’s so smart, he knows guns are bad. Not everyon…

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September 27, 2022 3:16 pm

Man Transitions Into Woman After Accidentally Taking His Wife’s Multivitamin

GARDEN CITY, CO — Local man Terrence Bilkerson successfully transitioned into a woman recently after taking his wife’s multivitamin. The transition occurred instantly after he grabbed the wrong bottle of vitamins, being distracted by that idiot referee…

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September 27, 2022 1:58 pm

NASA Saves Face By Claiming Female Astronaut Running Spaceship Into Asteroid Was Intentional

LAUREL, MD — NASA’s DART mission ended in disaster today as one of their female space drivers crashed a spacecraft directly into an oncoming asteroid. To save face, NASA is now claiming the collision was completely on purpose.

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September 27, 2022 1:21 pm

Are You A Fascist? 12 Signs To Look For

Do you think you’re just a quiet, patriotic conservative with good old-fashioned family values? Oh no! You may be a dangerous fascist!

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September 27, 2022 11:44 am

FBI Storms Convent To Arrest Group Of Dangerous Pro-Life Extremists

BOSTON, MA — Chaos erupted at a local convent yesterday as a team of FBI agents aggressively stormed the building in the early morning hours. Sources say they had received multiple reports of it being a gathering place for a large group of dangerous, r…

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September 27, 2022 11:21 am

Fascism Expert Somehow Able to Find Fascism Everywhere

NEW HAVEN, CT — Philosophy professor and Fascism Expert James Stanley announced on Twitter that he had found fascism in America, Italy, Nigeria, and several other countries.

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September 27, 2022 10:12 am

Pelosi Drafts Articles Of Impeachment Against New Prime Minister Of Italy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted articles of impeachment against newly elected Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni Tuesday to combat what she calls “far-right extremist Mussolini cosplay under the Tuscan sun.”

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