May 22, 2022 10:41 am

We Can Guess What Denomination You Are By How You Pray

Depending on who you ask there are many¬†ways to say grace before a meal. You show us how you pray when gathered with others and we’ll tell you what that says about your theology.

The post We Can Guess What Denomination You Are By How You Pray appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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May 21, 2022 3:08 pm

Does Your Wife Secretly Have A Crush On Chip Gaines? Signs To Watch Out For

Is your wife a fan of HGTV’s hit show Fixer Upper? Does she love watching Chip and Joanna Gaines tackle their next home renovation? Well, maybe she has a healthy enthusiasm for taking the worst house in the best neighborhood and flipping it, or perhaps she’s secretly and madly in love with Chip Gaines. Here are the biggest signs to look for:

The post Does Your Wife Secretly Have A Crush On Chip Gaines? Signs To Watch Out For appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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May 21, 2022 3:07 pm

Besties! AOC And New Fiancé Go On Double Date With Ilhan Omar And Her Brother

NEW YORK, NY—On Friday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her new fiance finally went on the double date they had been trying to coordinate with Ilhan Omar and her brother for weeks.
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May 21, 2022 1:27 pm

We At The Babylon Bee Would Like To Announce We Have Obtained Dirt On Hillary Cli

The moment has finally arrived. Many people have claimed to finally be able to bring down the Clintons with evidence of their ALLEGED wrongdoings. But the powerful family has always seemed to evade arrest and conviction for their ALLEGED dark and sini…

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May 21, 2022 1:17 pm

4D Space Chess: Elon Musk Switches Back To Democratic Party, Harrassment Accusations Immediately Withdrawn

STARBASE, TX—Talk about a 4D space chess move: Elon Musk has just announced he is returning to the Democratic Party just days after he moved over to the Republican Party. As soon as he made the switch back to the liberal political party, the sex…

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May 21, 2022 4:31 am

Man With No Sleep, Hydration, Or Caffeine Blindsided By Inexplicable Migraine Again

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Local man Roy Wayland has been caught off guard once again by a crippling migraine that came out of nowhere. Roy has been searching for what could have caused this headache but so far it has remained a mystery.

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May 20, 2022 3:00 pm

AOC Engaged, Registers For $10,000 ‘Tax The Rich’ Toaster

NEW YORK, NY—Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her fiancé were spotted Friday registering for wedding gifts at Tiffany & Co. in Midtown. The happy couple wandered the store with a personal stylist who helpfully critiqued every ite…

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May 20, 2022 2:41 pm

Jordan Peterson Comments ‘Sorry. Not Beautiful.’ On Picture Of Your Mom

NASHVILLE, TN—Jordan Peterson is coming under criticism on social media after he commented "Sorry. Not beautiful." after being shown a picture of the fattest woman of all time: your mom.
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May 20, 2022 12:39 pm

12 Tasks You Can Accomplish During Your Husband’s Lengthy Bathroom Excursions

Ladies, if you really want to be a Proverbs 31 woman, you need to be a hard worker, clean the house, take care of the kids, and make lots of sandwiches. This means you need to make efficient use of your free time.
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May 20, 2022 12:11 pm

Report Indicates Noah Didn’t Even Want All The Ark Animals But Then Spent The Most Time Taking Care Of Them

MESOPOTAMIA—After Noah’s children whined him into adopting millions of animals on the condition that they would be responsible for the animals, biblical patriarch Noah reports that he is now stuck doing all the work.

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May 20, 2022 12:01 pm

Fun New Subscription Service Sends You Updated Pride Flag Every Month

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Citing the basic human need for allies to equitably show support for all oppressed categories, subcategories, microcategories, and nanocategories, a new subscription service has been announced that sends members an updated Prid…

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May 20, 2022 11:39 am

Toddler Fails To See How Parents Can Be Both All-Powerful And All-Loving When They Just Took Away Fun Knife He Was Playing With

SPOKANE, WA—Local toddler Lance Wigglestein has completely lost faith in the existence of all-powerful, all-loving parents after they callously took away the really fun knife he was playing with.
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May 20, 2022 9:58 am

Women Eagerly Buying Stocks Now That There’s A Big Sale

CHERRY HILL, NJ—According to data analysts on Wall Street, as "timid beta-males" are selling off their stock portfolios in a panic over the tanking economy, women are coming out of the woodwork to snap up the cheap stocks now that ever…

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May 19, 2022 4:38 pm

‘I Will Never Love Again,’ Says Forlorn Ben Shapiro After Learning AOC Engaged

BOCA RATON, FL—Conservative commentator Ben Shapiro, known for incessantly mocking Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and inviting her to debate him, has admitted to reporters that he now feels lost and aimless following the announcement that AOC…

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