September 23, 2023 12:34 pm

Lifelong Pearl Jam Fan Close To Figuring Out Three Of The Lyrics

SEATTLE, WA — Lifelong Pearl Jam fan Dirk Ledbetter announced a huge personal achievement this weekend on a grunge music forum, claiming he was close to figuring out three of Pearl Jam’s lyrics.

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September 23, 2023 11:43 am

After Latest Gaffe, White House Staff Remove Biden’s Brain, Blow On It, Put it Back In

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another horrendously embarrassing day of gaffes for President Biden, White House aides decided to try removing his brain, blowing on it, then sticking it back in.

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September 22, 2023 12:42 pm

8 Meals Every Family Can Afford Under Bidenomics

Is Bidenomics getting you down? With so many people struggling in the current economic environment, it’s helpful to know what you can afford.

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September 22, 2023 11:56 am

Andy Stanley Challenges Bible To MMA Fight

ALPHARETTA, GA — In response to heavy criticism of his progressive theological views, North Point Community Church Pastor Andy Stanley has issued a public challenge to face the Bible in an MMA fight.

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September 22, 2023 9:50 am

In Controversial New ‘Paw Patrol’ Episode, Chase Gets Neutered To Become Transgender

U.S. — In a controversial new episode of Paw Patrol that aired this week on Nick Jr., Chase gets neutered so he can become the world’s first transgender pup.

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September 22, 2023 8:42 am

Senate Relaxes Rules To Allow Fetterman To Take Baths In Reflecting Pool

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a gracious move of bipartisanship, the Senate voted to relax rules to allow their freshman Senator Jabba The Fetterman to take a bath in the reflecting pool.

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September 21, 2023 2:48 pm

7 Great Things To Say To Your Wife While She’s On Her Period

It’s that "special time" of the month, your wife has that crazy look in her eyes, and you know your next words could be your last. What do you say?

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September 21, 2023 12:38 pm

Dying Goliath Bitterly Realizes He’s About To Be Turned Into A Lot Of Bad Metaphors

GATH — As the giant Goliath lay sprawled on the ground, defeated by a small shepherd boy, he couldn’t help but reflect on the impending onslaught of poorly constructed metaphors about his defeat.

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September 21, 2023 10:30 am

Nation Torn Between Party That Openly Supports Perversion And Party That Only Secretly Supports Perversion

U.S. — Following multiple embarrassing, high-profile scandals on both sides of the political aisle, the American people expressed conflicted feelings about whether they should vote for a party that openly supports perversion or a party that only secret…

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September 21, 2023 9:30 am

Herod’s Daughter Kinda Wishing She Had Just Asked For A Cute Purse Or Something

MADABA, JORDAN — After receiving John the Baptist’s head on a platter as requested, Herod’s daughter started to wish she had just asked for a cute purse instead.

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September 20, 2023 3:24 pm

Teen Daughter Politely Asks Parents To Consider Not Existing While Her Friends Are Over

MYERSTOWN, PA — Local teenager Natalie Bingham politely asked her mom and dad if they would consider ceasing to exist for a few hours while her friends come over.

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September 20, 2023 2:40 pm

9 Great Fashion Tips For Dads

It’s not easy being a dad. Exemplifying bravery, leadership, and wisdom while simultaneously consuming an entire pig’s worth of bacon per day and explaining to your wife how every daily event relates to The Lord of the Rings is hard work. Maintaining a…

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September 20, 2023 1:36 pm

Ukraine Hires Dylan Mulvaney As New Spokesperson

KYIV — In a shocking move, Ukraine announced today that they have hired trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney as their official military spokesperson.

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September 20, 2023 12:59 pm

AG Garland’s Impartiality Questioned Due To Conspicuous ‘Kill Trump’ Tattoo On Forehead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Merrick Garland’s integrity was called into question during a hearing before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday when Republican lawmakers noted the "Kill Trump" tattoo emblazoned on his forehead.

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