March 10, 2022 3:46 pm

Biden Complains That White House Staff Keep Draping Flags Over Him Every Time He Naps

WASHINGTON, D.C—According to sources, President Joe Biden has been complaining that his staff keeps draping flags over him whenever he naps, apparently mistaking him for a dead person.
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March 10, 2022 3:16 pm

Ever Wondered How Your Tax Dollars Make It To Those In Need? Check Out This Step-By-Step Guide

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March 10, 2022 2:05 pm

The Babylon Bee Presents: Kamala Harris Explains

We recently spoke to Kamala Harris, and she agreed to explain complex concepts to our readers. Now, you can learn about everything from Bitcoin to Batman in terms even you can understand. Thanks, Kam—
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March 10, 2022 12:41 pm

‘Let Them Drive Teslas!’ Says Pete Buttigieg Clad In Elaborate 18th-Century Royal Gown

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Upon reading a communiqué describing Amercans’ growing discomfort with record-breaking gas prices, coupled with dependence on foreign oil, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, clad in an elaborate 18th-century r…

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March 10, 2022 12:12 pm

Gavin Newsom Thankful As Fleeing Californians Can No Longer Afford To Fill Up Their U-Hauls

SACRAMENTO, CA—With Californians desperately fleeing the state in search of the American dream, Governor Gavin Newsom is grateful that record-high gas prices have made it nearly impossible to put enough gas in a U-Haul to get out of California.&…

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March 10, 2022 10:49 am

Biden Admin Suggests Adding More Water To Your Instant Ramen To Feel More Full

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In conjunction with the USDA and HHS, President Joe Biden has released guidance for Americans that are being hit hard by inflation and surging gas prices. To ease their pain, the administration is advising everyone to …

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March 10, 2022 9:25 am

Sex Offenders, Pedophiles, And Democrats Hardest Hit By Florida’s New Parental Rights Bill

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a bill into law stating that no one is allowed to teach kids 3rd grade or younger using creepy, sexually inappropriate, and graphic materials. The bill specifically prohibits discus…

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March 9, 2022 3:46 pm

Amish Man Smiles Smugly As He Rides By Gas Station With $6 Prices

SMICKSBURG, PA—Local Amish patriarch Ezekiel Yoder was seen smiling smugly as he rode his market wagon by an outsider’s gas station where the cost per gallon broke six dollars a gallon.

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March 9, 2022 2:02 pm

Ron Paul Tells Fans He Is Sorry He Couldn’t Do More As He Seals Up His Bunker

LAKE JACKSON, TX—Libertarian demigod Ron Paul apologized to his supporters on Wednesday as he sealed himself up in an underground bunker to weather the collapse of the American dollar.
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March 9, 2022 1:19 pm

Wife Dresses In Bomb Suit To Open Pressurized Biscuit Canister

GREENVILLE, SC—According to sources, local wife Kaitlyn Vargas had to delay meal preparation at her home this evening in order to don a military-style bomb suit before opening a pressurized can of Pillsbury biscuits. 

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March 9, 2022 11:36 am

Hillary Vows To Stop Importing Dossiers From Russia

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Beloved feminist icon and 2024 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has announced she will be joining efforts to halt Russian aggression. Starting this week, she has promised to stop importing dossiers from Russia. 

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March 9, 2022 11:09 am

Calvinist Accepts He Was Predestined To Hit Every Single Red Light On The Way To Work

LOS ANGELES, CA—After a lifetime of always being late for church, his job, and funerals, 5-point Calvinist and local resident of Los Angeles Jonathan Knox realized he was predestined to hit every single red light. 

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March 9, 2022 10:03 am

Florida Jails Already Overflowing With People Who Said The Word ‘Gay’

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Just hours after Ron Desantis signed the hateful "Dont Say Gay" Bill, state officials have reported that all of their jails are practically overflowing and approaching their breaking point. This cont…

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March 9, 2022 8:24 am

Biden Says Gas Prices Are Not His Fault Unless They Go Back Down Again

WASHINGTON, D.C—Joe Biden held a press conference to address criticisms head-on claiming he is responsible for America’s higher gas prices. The President strongly refuted such claims, stating that he’s not responsible—unless of course, the prices go way down.

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