October 31, 2023 1:08 pm

Portland Neighborhood Terrified By Residents Dressed Up As Normal Middle-Class Family

PORTLAND — Unhinged terror has cast its evil shadow upon the quaint northern Portland neighborhood of Portsmouth in response to reports that several locals dressed up as a stable, happy, middle-class family.

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October 31, 2023 12:30 pm

Spooky! Lori Lightfoot Dresses Up As Lori Lightfoot

CHICAGO, IL — Mayor Lori Lightfoot sent shivers down the spines of Chicagoans as she revealed her spine-tingling costume: none other than herself. The city was left stunned and slightly perplexed as the mayor emerged in what can only be described as th…

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October 31, 2023 11:11 am

ELCA Lutherans Clarify Any Similarities To Beliefs Of Martin Luther Are Purely Coincidental

CHICAGO, IL — Leadership of the largest Lutheran church body in the United States, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, clarified in a statement this week that any similarity in their beliefs to the beliefs of the historic reformer Martin Luther…

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October 31, 2023 9:24 am

D.C. Parents Warn Trick-Or-Treaters To Avoid Big House Where Creepy Old Man Lives

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a chilling word of caution fitting for Halloween, D.C. area parents sternly warned their trick-or-treating children to avoid venturing anywhere near a large house on Pennsylvania Avenue where a creepy old man lives.

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October 31, 2023 7:31 am

Colleagues Compliment John Fetterman On His Excellent Frankenstein Costume

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The award for best costume at this year’s Senate Halloween Social was all but a foregone conclusion, as all of Senator John Fetterman’s colleagues almost unanimously recognized him on his outstanding Frankenstein costume.

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October 30, 2023 3:59 pm

Zombie Wandering Capitol Hill In Search Of Brains Starves To Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.

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October 30, 2023 3:11 pm

Capitol Trick-Or-Treater Dressed As Zelensky Receives $40 Billion In Candy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A lucky young boy who went trick-or-treating at the United States Capitol building came away with $40 billion in candy after dressing up as Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.

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October 30, 2023 2:18 pm

Top 10 Ways To Acquire Wealth Under Bidenomics

Times are tough, and with the economy in such a rough shape, people are having to get more creative in order to build wealth.

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October 30, 2023 12:23 pm

McDonald’s Now Offering 36-Month, 0% Interest Financing On All Value Meals

U.S. — As part of a limited-time offer to cash-strapped customers, fast-food giant McDonald’s is now offering 36-month, 0% interest financing on all value menu items.

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October 30, 2023 12:06 pm

White House Accidentally Hands Out Plastic Baggies Of Cocaine To Trick-Or-Treaters

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Parents are encouraged to check their child’s Halloween candy haul every year to keep an eye out for razor blades and granola bars, but they didn’t have to worry about the treats they’d get from the White House — until now. According…

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October 30, 2023 9:37 am

‘I Wouldn’t Have Gone Along With The Nazis In 1939,’ Says College Student At ‘Kill The Jews’ Rally

CAMBRIDGE, MA — A local university student expressed her own tremendous virtue by proudly announcing she would never have gone along with the rise of the Nazi party in Germany as she walked across campus to attend a "Kill the Jews" rally taking…

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October 29, 2023 3:24 pm

Newsom Shows Solidarity With Biden By Also Falling On Face In Front Of World Leaders

BEIJING — Governor Gavin Newsom showed solidarity with President Biden today by absolutely face planting in front of world leaders.

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October 29, 2023 2:01 pm

Disaster: You Told Acquaintance That You Should Get Together Sometime And They Took You Seriously And Keep Asking You What Day Is Good

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a horrific turn of events, when you told Joe at the office that you should get together sometime, he actually took you seriously and now every time Joe sees you, he asks when you’re getting together.

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October 28, 2023 3:09 pm

Fish Humiliated After Being Reeled In By Little Girl With Princess Rod

BATON ROUGE, LA — A local fish was absolutely humiliated after being caught by a six-year-old girl wielding a flimsy pink princess rod.

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