January 25, 2024 1:07 pm

Biden, Abbott To Face Off In Wheelchair Joust To The Death

EAGLE PASS, TX — With tension still growing in the ongoing standoff between the state of Texas and the federal government, word broke today that both sides had agreed to settle the conflict by having President Joe Biden and Governor Greg Abbott face of…

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January 25, 2024 12:08 pm

Laid-Off LA Times Reporter Sits On Street Corner With Sign Reading ‘Will Call You Racist For Food’

LOS ANGELES, CA — Recently laid-off Los Angeles Times reporter Marco Gonzalez was seen standing on a street corner this past week offering to call people racist for food or money.

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January 25, 2024 10:57 am

Stewardess Politely Asks Passengers To Raise Tray Tables Before Takeoff And Also Please Check If The Plane Has Both Wings

CHICAGO, IL — Travelers on a recent airline flight experienced a noticeable difference in the pre-flight instructions, as the stewardess politely asked passengers to raise their tray tables before takeoff and also please check if the plane had both win…

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January 25, 2024 10:05 am

Ted Cruz Grows Out Mutton Chops In Preparation For Civil War

AUSTIN, TX — Tensions have escalated dramatically between the federal government and the Lone Star State as illegal immigration continues unabated at the southern border. Following the Supreme Court’s decision in favor of the Biden Administration’s rig…

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January 24, 2024 2:34 pm

The Babylon Bee Has Obtained Trump’s Short List Of Possible VP Picks

With the Republican presidential primary looking all but wrapped up, attention now turns to who Donald Trump will choose as his vice-presidential running mate. The Babylon Bee writers, expert investigative journalists that we are, have managed to obtai…

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January 24, 2024 2:13 pm

Texas Places Razor Wire Around The Alamo For Final Stand Against Biden

SAN ANTONIO, TX — With the Biden administration challenging Texas’ right to defend its own border, Governor Abbott has ordered razor wire placed around The Alamo in preparation for a final stand against the feds.

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January 24, 2024 1:33 pm

Worship Leader Suffers Devastating Injury Attempting ‘F’ Chord

JOPLIN, MO — What began as a routine church service ended in catastrophe as a local worship leader suffered a devastating injury while attempting to play an "F" chord on the guitar.

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January 24, 2024 12:40 pm

Hours After Hillary Condemns ‘Barbie’ Snub, Oscar Statue Found Dead In Apparent Suicide

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Mere hours after Hillary Clinton publicly condemned the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ Barbie snubs, the film industry was left in shock as the iconic Oscar statue was found dead in an apparent suicide.

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January 24, 2024 11:32 am

Interviewer Asks What Relevance ‘Able To Beat All My Friends At Goldeneye Back In 1997’ Has To This Job Man Is Applying For

SPRINGFIELD, IL — An employment interview today met a decidedly awkward pause after the interviewer asked what relevance "able to beat all my friends at Goldeneye back in 1997" had to do with the job the man was applying for.

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January 24, 2024 10:31 am

‘Well, Crap,’ Thinks Newborn Baby Placed On Gay Man’s Boobless Chest

NEW YORK CITY — Shortly after drawing his first breath, local newborn Brantley Evans immediately began searching for the comfort of a boob, only to find himself on some gay man’s unwelcoming, hairy chest.

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January 24, 2024 9:34 am

Nikki Haley Celebrates Getting More Votes In GOP Primary Than Any Other Democrat In History

CONCORD, NH — Following an inspiring last-place finish in the 2024 New Hampshire Republican primary, former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley celebrated getting more votes in a GOP primary than any other Democrat in history.

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January 23, 2024 5:23 pm

Nikki Haley Announces She Has Won New Hampshire By Negative 12 Points

CONCORD, NH — Presidential frontrunner and conservative favorite Nikki Haley announced that she has won the New Hampshire primary by a whopping negative 12 points, sources confirmed this evening.

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January 23, 2024 3:17 pm

10 Ways To Get A Good Education Without Going To College

You may have been told that going to college is the way to make it far in life, but these days going to college seems more like the way to make it far into debt and living in your parents’ basement. It may be time to think about alternatives to college…

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January 23, 2024 2:35 pm

Cartels Switch From Smuggling Meth To More Lucrative Stanley Tumblers

MEXICO CITY — Sources deep within the Mexican drug trade have disclosed a major shift that has taken place throughout the underworld, as cartels have reportedly switched from smuggling meth to transporting more lucrative Stanley tumblers.

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