March 11, 2022 12:04 pm

9 Most BRUTAL Punishments In Hell

Oops! Looks like you’ve been condemned. You really shouldn’t have read those Harry Potter books. We warned you those were bad news. 

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March 11, 2022 11:21 am

Facebook Introduces ‘Call In Drone Strike’ Button You Can Click On All Russian Profiles

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook made waves this week after announcing they would temporarily be lifting their ban on calls to violence as long as the violence is directed towards Russians. Now in an exciting new update, Facebook will allow users to dire…

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March 11, 2022 9:21 am

Biden Unveils 2024 Campaign Slogan: ‘Can’t Do Much About That’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—”Can’t Do Much About That!” is President Biden’s official slogan for his upcoming 2024 re-election campaign. The Biden administration unveiled the slogan this morning and noted that it is a direct quote from the president himself, intended to capture Biden’s mysterious folksy charm and no-nonsense attitude.

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March 11, 2022 8:26 am

Florida School Kid Sad He Has To Wait Until 4th Grade To Be Indoctrinated By Trans Ideology

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Local Florida second-grader Brad Smulders is heartbroken in the wake of Florida passing a new parental rights bill, as he will now have to wait until 4th grade to receive his state-endorsed trans indoctrination and grooming.&nbsp…

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March 10, 2022 4:30 pm

Jesus Interrupts Sermon On The Mount To Deliver 30-Second Ad Read For Patriot-Themed Emergency Food Supply

MOUNT OF BEATITUDES—Local Rabbi and Son of God Jesus of Nazareth gave a fiery sermon where He singled out legalistic religious people and called people to a higher understanding of God’s law and holiness. The multitudes gathered praised the sermon, saying it would go down as “one of the best in history,” though many found their pride wounded and their consciences convicted of their sin and complacency.

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March 10, 2022 3:46 pm

Biden Complains That White House Staff Keep Draping Flags Over Him Every Time He Naps

WASHINGTON, D.C—According to sources, President Joe Biden has been complaining that his staff keeps draping flags over him whenever he naps, apparently mistaking him for a dead person.
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March 10, 2022 3:16 pm

Ever Wondered How Your Tax Dollars Make It To Those In Need? Check Out This Step-By-Step Guide

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March 10, 2022 2:05 pm

The Babylon Bee Presents: Kamala Harris Explains

We recently spoke to Kamala Harris, and she agreed to explain complex concepts to our readers. Now, you can learn about everything from Bitcoin to Batman in terms even you can understand. Thanks, Kam—
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March 10, 2022 12:41 pm

‘Let Them Drive Teslas!’ Says Pete Buttigieg Clad In Elaborate 18th-Century Royal Gown

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Upon reading a communiqué describing Amercans’ growing discomfort with record-breaking gas prices, coupled with dependence on foreign oil, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, clad in an elaborate 18th-century r…

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March 10, 2022 12:12 pm

Gavin Newsom Thankful As Fleeing Californians Can No Longer Afford To Fill Up Their U-Hauls

SACRAMENTO, CA—With Californians desperately fleeing the state in search of the American dream, Governor Gavin Newsom is grateful that record-high gas prices have made it nearly impossible to put enough gas in a U-Haul to get out of California.&…

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March 10, 2022 10:49 am

Biden Admin Suggests Adding More Water To Your Instant Ramen To Feel More Full

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In conjunction with the USDA and HHS, President Joe Biden has released guidance for Americans that are being hit hard by inflation and surging gas prices. To ease their pain, the administration is advising everyone to …

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March 10, 2022 9:25 am

Sex Offenders, Pedophiles, And Democrats Hardest Hit By Florida’s New Parental Rights Bill

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a bill into law stating that no one is allowed to teach kids 3rd grade or younger using creepy, sexually inappropriate, and graphic materials. The bill specifically prohibits discus…

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March 9, 2022 3:46 pm

Amish Man Smiles Smugly As He Rides By Gas Station With $6 Prices

SMICKSBURG, PA—Local Amish patriarch Ezekiel Yoder was seen smiling smugly as he rode his market wagon by an outsider’s gas station where the cost per gallon broke six dollars a gallon.

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March 9, 2022 2:02 pm

Ron Paul Tells Fans He Is Sorry He Couldn’t Do More As He Seals Up His Bunker

LAKE JACKSON, TX—Libertarian demigod Ron Paul apologized to his supporters on Wednesday as he sealed himself up in an underground bunker to weather the collapse of the American dollar.
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