December 22, 2021 5:49 pm

7 Tips For Keeping Your Kids Safe When They Have A Handheld Device Giving Them Unfettered Access To Porn

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December 22, 2021 4:02 pm

Biden Pauses Student Loan Payments Since ‘We’ll All Be Dead Soon Anyway’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement today, President Biden confirmed he will be extending the pause on student loan repayment since we’re all going to die of Omicron soon and nothing really matters now. 

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December 22, 2021 3:07 pm

Op-Ed: Die Hard Is NOT A Christmas Movie

There’s a lot of debate over a seemingly inconsequential topic, but I feel I must weigh in. It’s become increasingly common for people to claim that the 1988 action thriller Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Well, there are a few things I kno…

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December 22, 2021 2:03 pm

FBI Arrests Notorious Art Thief Who Illegally Right-Clicked And Downloaded An NFT

NEW ORLEANS—The notorious art thief, Maurice Vaux, was apprehended Wednesday by the FBI after illegally downloading an NFT and saving it as a PNG file.
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December 22, 2021 12:50 pm

Southwest Introduces New Boarding Procedure Where Everyone Is Given A Melee Weapon And You Just Sort It Out Amongst Yourselves

DALLAS—Southwest Airlines has announced a new and exciting boarding procedure where passengers are given a deadly melee weapon and encouraged to sort it out themselves instead of bothering the flight crew.
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December 22, 2021 11:16 am

Political Party That Encouraged People To Commit Crimes Surprised At All The People Committing Crimes

U.S.—As violent crime has skyrocketed to historically high levels, particularly in democrat-run cities, democratic leaders expressed shock and dismay at the rampant crime they have openly, blatantly, and very specifically promoted.

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December 22, 2021 11:01 am

White House Decorated With Touching Christmas Message ‘YOU WILL DIE’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation’s capital grew even more festive as the White House unveiled its facade lit with a resplendent light display spelling out the touching message, “YOU WILL DIE.”
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December 21, 2021 3:59 pm

Whew! Local Man Doesn’t Have Real COVID, Just Omicron

BOSTON, MA—After a nail-biting fifteen minutes, local man Rod Brown was blessed to discover that his COVID test came back positive for the Omicron variant—which is nothing more than a gentle case of the sniffles. 

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December 21, 2021 3:11 pm

It’s Official: New White House Dog To Be Named Karl Barx

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Move over, Chairman Meow! The Biden family has brought an adorable puppy into their family, and have decided to name this "pawesome" pal Karl Barx, after the brilliant economist Karl Marx, who inspired many of Biden&rs…

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December 21, 2021 1:16 pm

Due To Supply Chain Issues Democrats Recommend Mailing In Your Votes For 2024 Now

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The next Presidential election is three years away, but Democratic leaders in Congress aren’t wasting any time getting out the vote.
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December 21, 2021 12:05 pm

Pelosi Disappointed We’ll Never Get To Find Out What Was In The Build Back Better Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, the Build Back Better Bill is pretty much dead now. While this has been a big blow to President Joe Biden’s agenda, one of the most upset politicians is Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who was very…

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December 21, 2021 11:25 am

Due To Inflation, Panhandlers Now Only Accepting $100 Bills

LOS ANGELES—As a result of record inflation, local panhandlers are rejecting the majority of monetary donations, and are instead requiring donors to pony up a minimum of $100.
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December 21, 2021 9:45 am

Presidential Address Lasts Hours As Biden Keeps Trying To Say ‘Omicron’ Correctly

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The presidential address to the nation was intended to be a brief message of hope and resilience for Americans facing a possible COVID-19 surge, but ended up lasting hours as President Biden kept trying to pronounce “Omicr…

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December 21, 2021 9:18 am

New White House Dog Professionally Trained To Not Growl When Biden Touches A Child

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a video released by the Administration, President Biden showed off the newest, furry addition to the White House: an adorable German Shepherd puppy named Commander who has been professionally trained not to growl when Biden t…

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