January 27, 2022 8:57 am

Biden Reminds Everyone That Black Justices Can Be Just As Smart As Rich Ones

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones. 
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January 26, 2022 4:28 pm

Exclusive: The Babylon Bee Has Obtained Biden’s List Of Possible SCOTUS Nominees

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January 26, 2022 3:13 pm

‘Why Do Good Things Happen At All?’ Asks Atheist Struggling With His Faith

PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn’t care whether he suffers or not. 

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January 26, 2022 2:15 pm

Dinklage Tries To Cancel ‘Snow White’ But Comes Up Short

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
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January 26, 2022 12:19 pm

Boy Told He Can’t Have Ice Cream Until He Eats All Of His McDonald’s

COLUMBUS, OH—Now this is health-conscious parenting: Maria Walter of Columbus, Ohio told her boy Cody that he wasn’t allowed to have any ice cream or candy until he ate all 1200 calories of his McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with cheese meal accompanied with a large fry and Coke.

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January 26, 2022 11:52 am

With Train Robberies, No Electricity, No Gasoline Automobiles, California Tries Rebranding With Vintage Old West Theme

SACRAMENTO, CA—Daring midday train robberies are the latest phenomena to flourish in the Golden State. These rail heists, along with a dearth of electricity and banishment of gas vehicles, have led to California rebranding with a vintage Old Wes…

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January 26, 2022 10:39 am

Biden To Nominate Progressive Woman Of Color Elizabeth Warren To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As progressive Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement this week, President Biden wasted no time in nominating a progressive woman of color to the Supreme Court: Elizabeth Warren.
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January 26, 2022 10:11 am

McConnell Says Senate Should Not Confirm New Supreme Court Nominee Just Three Years Before Presidential Election

WASHINGTON, D.C.—With the announcement of Associate Justice Stephen Breyer’s pending retirement dominating the current news cycle, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has put forth the following statement: “The American people sho…

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January 25, 2022 5:37 pm

8 Important Life Lessons Your Child Will Learn In Their Public School

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January 25, 2022 4:51 pm

Biden Puts 8,000 Troops On Alert In Case Peter Doocy Retaliates

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Pentagon officials have confirmed that Biden placed 8,000 troops on high alert to protect the White House in case Fox News reporter Peter Doocy retaliates for Biden insulting him in a press conference yesterday.

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January 25, 2022 4:21 pm

Clever: This Remodeling Contractor Is Also A Divorce Lawyer

CHALFONT, PA—Ben Culver is a handyman with a unique business model: in addition to being a home remodeling contractor, Culver is also a divorce lawyer. And with an estimated 84% of divorces being caused by home remodeling projects, business…

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January 25, 2022 2:02 pm

DoorDash Introduces New ‘Wife Mode’ Where It Will Recommend All Her Favorite Restaurants For Her To Reject

U.S.—DoorDash has begun rolling out an updated version of their popular app which features a new ‘Wife Mode’ that recommends all of your spouse’s favorite restaurants for her to reject.

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January 25, 2022 1:09 pm

Report: Terrible Schools Most Likely To Resist School Choice

DALLAS, TX—As more states pass laws promoting school choice, several reports have revealed that the most terrible, crappy schools are the ones most likely to oppose school choice for parents.
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January 25, 2022 10:44 am

Biden Approval Rating Up After Being Mean To Journalists Like Real President

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After 12 straight months of collapsing popularity, President Biden finally saw an uptick in his approval rating after his mean comment to a journalist reminded Americans what it was like to have a real president.

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