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January 16, 2023 2:14 pm

30 Other Things Investigators Found In Biden’s Garage

Investigators found classified documents in President Biden’s garage. No one really knows why it was there, including Biden. But the real story is all the other stuff they found. His garage was a veritable treasure trove of scandal!

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January 16, 2023 1:52 pm

Millions Of Lives Saved By Person Wearing Mask While Walking Alone On Sidewalk

ONTARIO, CA — Local woman Karen Bain saved millions of lives this week when she put on a mask for her morning walk. She reportedly took a brief walk down the street and was careful to avoid direct contact with people, grateful for the mask that was sav…

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January 16, 2023 11:34 am

Buttigieg Defends Job Performance By Reminding Everyone He’s Gay

D.C. — Pete Buttigieg has addressed criticism surrounding his lackluster performance as Secretary of Transportation by reminding everyone that he’s really, really gay.

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January 16, 2023 10:25 am

Biden Tries Wearing Tan Suit To Distract From Scandals

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As investigators continue to find more and more classified documents in various Biden residences, the President attempted to divert attention from the scandal this morning by appearing in a tan suit.

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January 15, 2023 8:14 am

Theologians Confirm Scripture 72% More Powerful When Read In Cool Foreign Accent

U.S. — Theologians from seminaries across the country have united in agreement that holy Scripture is 72% more powerful if read in an awesome foreign accent.

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January 14, 2023 9:51 am

Congress Declares Any Member Who Refuses To Bow To The Bust Of Zelensky Will Be Thrown Into A Fiery Furnace

WASHINGTON, DC — The mood around the nation’s capital was somber today after congressional leaders made the declaration that any member who refuses to bow down before the bust of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky would be thrown into a fiery furna…

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January 14, 2023 9:46 am

Apostle Paul Fired As DJ For ‘Positive, Encouraging K-LOVE’

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Christian radio station K-LOVE has parted ways with the Apostle Paul over his continued struggles to maintain the station’s positive and encouraging on-air vibe.

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January 14, 2023 8:51 am

Local Man Crushing Bible-In-A-Year Plan After Switching To Jesus Storybook Bible

AKRON, OH — Ever since changing over to the Jesus Storybook Bible, local man Dan Smith has been totally dominating his Bible-In-A-Year plan.

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January 14, 2023 8:28 am

Biden Calls For Two Weeks Of Not Cooking On Gas Stoves To Flatten The Curve

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help “flatten the curve”.

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January 13, 2023 2:39 pm

In Climate Initiative, Arby’s Changes Slogan To ‘We Have the Bugs’

U.S. — After urging from environmental activists, the World Economic Forum, and Bill Nye the Science Guy, Arby’s has changed its slogan to “We Have The Bugs.”

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January 13, 2023 1:01 pm

Bullies Stuff Kid Into Locker For Not Giving His Pronouns

AUSTIN, TX — Parents were called after an incident at Rosa Parks MLK Harvey Milk Elementary today in which several bullies stuffed 3rd-grader Lance Biggens into a locker after the student refused to give them his pronouns.

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January 13, 2023 11:43 am

Meghan Proudly Announces That Harry Has Of His Own Free Will Decided To Transition Into Princess Harriet

SANTA BARBARA, CA — Meghan Markle, beloved American princess and thespian, announced Friday that her husband Prince Harry would soon begin a lengthy and painful transition into Princess Harriet, a decision he made of his own free will without any coerc…

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January 13, 2023 10:12 am

Yet Another Stash Of Classified Documents Discovered During Biden’s Colonoscopy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is on edge this morning after investigators revealed a fourth stash of classified documents from Biden’s tenure as Vice President was found deep in his colon.

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January 13, 2023 8:51 am

Democratic Women’s Caucus Wears Matching White Butcher Coats In Support Of Abortion

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an inspiring show of solidarity with abortionists and other eugenicists, the Democratic Women’s Caucus showed up to the Capitol this week wearing stylish butcher coats.

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