March 12, 2022 11:23 am

Surprise! Thomas Massie Sneaks ‘Defund Federal Government’ Into Omnibus Bill On Page 2641

WASHINGTON, D.C.—An omnibus spending bill was approved by the Senate on Thursday night in a 68-31 vote. Curiously, the bill received some Republican support at the last minute. Sources confirm that the swing in support came as a result of Kentuc…

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March 12, 2022 9:31 am

Man Awarded Honorary Doctorate After Posting Wordle Score Where He Got It In 3 Guesses

INNSMOUTH, MA—Local man Jordan Smith was awarded an honorary doctorate degree from a local university after he posted his Wordle score to social media. Representatives from the college quickly contacted him and offered him the Ph.D. when they sa…

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March 11, 2022 2:36 pm

Restaurants Now Requiring Proof Of Ukraine Support

U.S.—As the war between Russia and Ukraine rages on, restaurants across the country are now requiring proof of Ukraine support in order to eat in their restaurants. Patrons are being asked to produce a photo ID and open up their social medi…

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March 11, 2022 1:39 pm

Waldo Much Easier To Find After Becoming Woke

SOMERVILLE, MA—Beloved author and illustrator Martin Handford has released new editions of his Where’s Waldo? series giving Waldo—or Wally, as he’s called in the U.K.—a fresh and more socially conscious look. Unfortunately, many readers are finding this new “woke” Waldo much too easy to find. 

The post Waldo Much Easier To Find After Becoming Woke appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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March 11, 2022 1:09 pm

Disneyland Pulls Animatronic Russian Kids From ‘It’s A Small World’

ANAHEIM, CA—Visitors to Disneyland will no longer be able to experience animatronic Russian children singing in harmony with the rest of the world when “It’s A Small World” re-opens on Monday. The Disneyland attraction has reportedly gone under the knife to have all references to Russia removed in a show of support for Ukraine.

The post Disneyland Pulls Animatronic Russian Kids From ‘It’s A Small World’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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March 11, 2022 12:04 pm

9 Most BRUTAL Punishments In Hell

Oops! Looks like you’ve been condemned. You really shouldn’t have read those Harry Potter books. We warned you those were bad news. 

The post 9 Most BRUTAL Punishments In Hell appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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March 11, 2022 11:21 am

Facebook Introduces ‘Call In Drone Strike’ Button You Can Click On All Russian Profiles

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook made waves this week after announcing they would temporarily be lifting their ban on calls to violence as long as the violence is directed towards Russians. Now in an exciting new update, Facebook will allow users to dire…

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March 11, 2022 9:21 am

Biden Unveils 2024 Campaign Slogan: ‘Can’t Do Much About That’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—”Can’t Do Much About That!” is President Biden’s official slogan for his upcoming 2024 re-election campaign. The Biden administration unveiled the slogan this morning and noted that it is a direct quote from the president himself, intended to capture Biden’s mysterious folksy charm and no-nonsense attitude.

The post Biden Unveils 2024 Campaign Slogan: ‘Can’t Do Much About That’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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March 11, 2022 8:26 am

Florida School Kid Sad He Has To Wait Until 4th Grade To Be Indoctrinated By Trans Ideology

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Local Florida second-grader Brad Smulders is heartbroken in the wake of Florida passing a new parental rights bill, as he will now have to wait until 4th grade to receive his state-endorsed trans indoctrination and grooming.&nbsp…

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March 10, 2022 4:30 pm

Jesus Interrupts Sermon On The Mount To Deliver 30-Second Ad Read For Patriot-Themed Emergency Food Supply

MOUNT OF BEATITUDES—Local Rabbi and Son of God Jesus of Nazareth gave a fiery sermon where He singled out legalistic religious people and called people to a higher understanding of God’s law and holiness. The multitudes gathered praised the sermon, saying it would go down as “one of the best in history,” though many found their pride wounded and their consciences convicted of their sin and complacency.

The post Jesus Interrupts Sermon On The Mount To Deliver 30-Second Ad Read For Patriot-Themed Emergency Food Supply appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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March 10, 2022 3:46 pm

Biden Complains That White House Staff Keep Draping Flags Over Him Every Time He Naps

WASHINGTON, D.C—According to sources, President Joe Biden has been complaining that his staff keeps draping flags over him whenever he naps, apparently mistaking him for a dead person.
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March 10, 2022 3:16 pm

Ever Wondered How Your Tax Dollars Make It To Those In Need? Check Out This Step-By-Step Guide

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March 10, 2022 2:05 pm

The Babylon Bee Presents: Kamala Harris Explains

We recently spoke to Kamala Harris, and she agreed to explain complex concepts to our readers. Now, you can learn about everything from Bitcoin to Batman in terms even you can understand. Thanks, Kam—
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March 10, 2022 12:41 pm

‘Let Them Drive Teslas!’ Says Pete Buttigieg Clad In Elaborate 18th-Century Royal Gown

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Upon reading a communiqué describing Amercans’ growing discomfort with record-breaking gas prices, coupled with dependence on foreign oil, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, clad in an elaborate 18th-century r…

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