December 8, 2021 3:18 pm

Top 10 Candidates To Replace Chris Cuomo

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December 8, 2021 2:11 pm

Biden Nukes Florida, Says Courts Can Strike Down Later If It Turns Out That’s Illegal

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an epic clapback against Republican governor of Florida Ron DeSantis, President Joe Biden launched a nuclear missile attack against the state today. Dozens of missiles sailed through the air and landed all across Florida.&nbs…

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December 8, 2021 11:20 am

Study Finds Politicians Safe From Myocarditis As They Do Not Have Hearts

U.S.—A new study found that politicians cannot be harmed from heart issues due to the COVID-19 vaccines, as they do not have hearts that can be affected by complications such as myocarditis.
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December 8, 2021 11:11 am

New Pfizer Punch Card Lets You Get Free Sub Sandwich Every 10th Booster

U.S.—Pfizer is introducing a new Loyalty Club program, sources confirmed Wednesday, through which you can get a free sub sandwich with every 10th booster. You can sign up for the loyalty program right at your local permanent vaccination center or on Pfizer’s website. “Take ten boosters and get a free sub sandwich!” said Pfizer spokesperson Grubb McPherson. “Whether you like meatball subs or Italian BMTs, you can get yourself injected with our miracle vaccine just ten times and enjoy your favorite delicious sandwich at participating sub shops of your choice.” While the sub sandwich deal is great, Pfizer was quick to remind customers that the vaccine still doesn’t actually stop you from getting COVID no matter how many boosters you get. “Yeah, the sub sandwich is actually the only benefit, if we’re being honest here.”

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December 8, 2021 10:40 am

Kenny G Emerges From Hibernation To Play Christmas Songs For Full Month

NORTH POLE—Beloved saxophonist Kenny G emerged from his snowy cave near the North Pole earlier this week to begin serenading the world with his smooth, soft saxophone notes.
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December 8, 2021 8:58 am

Nation’s Men Freaking Out About Omicron After Learning Symptoms Are Like A Mild Cold

U.S.—The men of the nation are "totally freaking out" about the omicron variant of the coronavirus after learning the symptoms are similar to the common cold. Men everywhere reported they are "deeply concerned" about the vari…

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December 8, 2021 8:53 am

Evil Corporation Imprisons & Kills Millions. UPDATE: No, Wait, It’s Just The Government

U.S.—Progressives and conservatives alike were concerned after it was revealed that there is an evil, giant corporation that is literally murdering, imprisoning, and oppressing millions of people all around the world. The corporation is run by corrupt people, accountable to no one, makes trillions of dollars every year, and continues to enrich its wealthy elite shareholders by exploiting the poor and the middle class. Even worse, it was discovered that this corporation has a monopoly. Everyone agreed that it’s well past time to keep this evil corporation accountable and that it should be broken up to prevent future oppression by these evil capitalists.

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December 8, 2021 8:46 am

Rittenhouse Says ‘F— You’, LeBron Immediately Falls To Ground

LOS ANGELES, CA—Kyle Rittenhouse recently said "f— you" to LeBron James during an interview. The basketball player immediately flopped to the ground even though he was thousands of miles away.
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December 7, 2021 4:20 pm

Bible Now Includes Warning That It May Contain Spoilers For ‘The Chosen’

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