March 9, 2022 2:02 pm

Ron Paul Tells Fans He Is Sorry He Couldn’t Do More As He Seals Up His Bunker

LAKE JACKSON, TX—Libertarian demigod Ron Paul apologized to his supporters on Wednesday as he sealed himself up in an underground bunker to weather the collapse of the American dollar.
The post Ron Paul Tells Fans He Is Sorry…

Tags: ,

March 9, 2022 1:19 pm

Wife Dresses In Bomb Suit To Open Pressurized Biscuit Canister

GREENVILLE, SC—According to sources, local wife Kaitlyn Vargas had to delay meal preparation at her home this evening in order to don a military-style bomb suit before opening a pressurized can of Pillsbury biscuits. 

Tags: ,

March 9, 2022 11:36 am

Hillary Vows To Stop Importing Dossiers From Russia

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Beloved feminist icon and 2024 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has announced she will be joining efforts to halt Russian aggression. Starting this week, she has promised to stop importing dossiers from Russia. 

Tags: ,

March 9, 2022 11:09 am

Calvinist Accepts He Was Predestined To Hit Every Single Red Light On The Way To Work

LOS ANGELES, CA—After a lifetime of always being late for church, his job, and funerals, 5-point Calvinist and local resident of Los Angeles Jonathan Knox realized he was predestined to hit every single red light. 

Tags: ,

March 9, 2022 10:03 am

Florida Jails Already Overflowing With People Who Said The Word ‘Gay’

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Just hours after Ron Desantis signed the hateful "Dont Say Gay" Bill, state officials have reported that all of their jails are practically overflowing and approaching their breaking point. This cont…

Tags: ,

March 9, 2022 8:24 am

Biden Says Gas Prices Are Not His Fault Unless They Go Back Down Again

WASHINGTON, D.C—Joe Biden held a press conference to address criticisms head-on claiming he is responsible for America’s higher gas prices. The President strongly refuted such claims, stating that he’s not responsible—unless of course, the prices go way down.

The post Biden Says Gas Prices Are Not His Fault Unless They Go Back Down Again appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Tags: ,

March 8, 2022 3:23 pm

‘Don’t Worry About Gas Prices!’ Says Biden From Presidential War Rig

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Joe Biden has announced that the U.S. will be banning all oil and gas from Russia. The President stated that this should not be a cause for any panic and not to worry about gas prices while he got in what appe…

Tags: ,