May 16, 2022 11:06 am

Paper Straws Now Come With 15-Second Self-Destruct Countdown Timer

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Paper straws in the Golden City will now come with a 15-second self-destruct timer to help customers understand how close they are to having their straw dissolve into a pile of useless goo. The helpful timers come by way of a c…

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May 16, 2022 10:07 am

Biden Announces He Has Hidden 5 Golden Crack Pipes In Safe Smoking Kits

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe smoking kits.

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May 16, 2022 7:35 am

Here’s A Complete List Of The Differences Between Abortion And Murder

 
The post Here’s A Complete List Of The Differences Between Abortion And Murder appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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May 15, 2022 3:29 pm

Airport Holding Strong As Last Socially Acceptable Place To Booze At 9 A.M.

HOUSTON, TX—While guzzling alcohol in the wee hours of the morning has become frowned upon in broader society, such conventions still go out the window the moment one sets foot inside an airport bar.
The post Airpor…

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May 14, 2022 2:33 pm

DeSantis Just Signed These 12 BASED Executive Orders

Look out, Florida! Gov Ron DeSantis just signed some super-based executive orders to own the libs! Awwwww yeeeaaaaaah!
The post DeSantis Just Signed These 12 BASED Executive Orders appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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May 13, 2022 1:03 pm

To Save Time, Doctor Asks 38-Year-Old Man What Part Of His Body Doesn’t Hurt

EXTON, PA—To save time at his next physical, 38-year-old Juan Ohero’s doctor has asked him to just tell him what parts of his body aren’t hurting. The small adjustment is expected to save both Otero and his doctor several hours of ti…

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May 13, 2022 12:59 pm

Jen Psaki Steps Down As White House Press Secretary To Take Position As The Mouth Of Sauron

MORDOR—Jen Psaki has announced that she is stepping down as White House Press Secretary in order to take up a position as the Mouth of Sauron. In her new role, she will be recognized as one of Sauron’s most devoted followers—serving as his trusted herald and messenger, spinning all of Sauron’s lies into a narrative, deflecting legitimate questions, and of course, circling back later.

The post Jen Psaki Steps Down As White House Press Secretary To Take Position As The Mouth Of Sauron appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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May 13, 2022 12:54 pm

Matt Damon Makes New Commercial Apologizing For Telling You To Buy Crypto

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—After the spectacular crash in the cryptocurrency market this week, Matt Damon and his publicists worked overtime to produce a new commercial to apologize for convincing amateurs to invest in cryptocurrency.

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May 13, 2022 12:49 pm

Trump Crowned MAGA King After Pulling Rittenhouse’s AR-15 From Stone

ANTIOCH, IL—Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone. According to legend, the AR-15 rifle had been placed in the stone by Rittenhouse himself where it…

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May 13, 2022 11:48 am

In Brutal Takedown, Biden Calls Trump ‘Majestic Super God-Emperor Of The Universe’

U.S.—At a donor event this week, President Biden tried his hand at focus group-tested insults, calling Trump the “Great MAGA King” to mixed reviews. In an effort to turn up the heat even more and really hurt Trump’s chances in the next election, Biden has now taken to calling Trump the “Majestic Super God-Emperor of the Universe.” 

The post In Brutal Takedown, Biden Calls Trump ‘Majestic Super God-Emperor Of The Universe’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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May 13, 2022 11:11 am

Dad Unable To Help With Parenting Since His Legs Fell Asleep While He Was On The Toilet

CONWAY, AR—Authorities discovered an incapacitated father Thursday night while following up on reports of a possible domestic disturbance. A father of five, identified as Aaron Wittle, was reportedly unable to help his wife with the kids be…

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May 13, 2022 9:52 am

Biden Relieved To Hear There’s No Shortage Of Adult Diapers

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to unnamed sources from inside the Oopsie Cleanup Division of the White House, President Joe Biden has expressed relief after being given the news that although there is a massive shortage of formula, th…

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May 13, 2022 8:07 am

White House Press Corps Beginning To Suspect Psaki Isn’t Ever Going To Circle Back To Their Questions

WASHINGTON, DC—As White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki departs today for a job at MSNBC, several members of the White House Press Corps expressed concern that she may not be intending to circle back to their questions after all.

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May 12, 2022 3:43 pm

484-Year-Old Methuselah Goes Through Midlife Crisis, Purchases Expensive Convertible Sports Camel

MESOPOTAMIA—According to the town crier, the proud owner of an expensive new sports camel is none other than local hunter/gatherer Methuselah. The local community has reportedly mocked the 484-year-old patriarch for going through a midlife crisi…

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