August 13, 2022 11:43 am

Opinion: Concerns About FBI Raids Have Been Overblown And There’s No Need To Wor—Hang On, There’s A Knock At The Door

BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation.

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August 13, 2022 11:38 am

Nine Subtle Hints Your Wife May Be Mad At You

Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening! To help, we at the Babylon Bee have collected these very subtle clues to help men know when trouble is afoot.

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August 13, 2022 6:39 am

Harvard Med School Officially Replaces Oath ‘Do No Harm’ With ‘Mutilate Kids For Money’

BOSTON, MA — In light of so-called “gender affirming care” making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath “Mutilate Kids For Money.”

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August 12, 2022 2:48 pm

Mar-A-Lago Search Warrant Claims Trump Had Acquired All Six Infinity Stones

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly released search warrant of Mar-a-Lago claims that Trump had recently aquired all six infinity stones and was keeping them on a fully assembled infinity gauntlet in his closet.

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August 12, 2022 2:09 pm

Jeffrey Toobin Departing CNN To Expose Himself To New Audiences

NEW YORK, NY — After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.

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August 12, 2022 1:37 pm

AOC Says It’s Dumb For Republicans To Call U.S. A Banana Republic Since It’s More Like A Forever 21

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disputed claims of Republicans who claim the U.S. has devolved into a banana republic following the raid on former President Trump’s Florida residence, saying that America is more like a Forever 21.

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August 12, 2022 12:58 pm

Theologians Confirm Chips And Salsa Were Blessed In Eternity Past And May Be Eaten Before Prayer

WORLD — Scholars have finally confirmed that it’s not necessary to say a blessing for pre-meal chips and salsa, as they were already blessed in eternity past before the foundations of the world.

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August 12, 2022 12:21 pm

‘The FBI Raid On Melania’s Closet Was Justified,’ Says Merrick Garland Wearing Gorgeous New Evening Gown And Sun Hat

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified. Eyewitness…

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August 12, 2022 11:49 am

Stephen King Estate Reveals He Died Years Ago And His Twitter Account Is Being Run By A Mentally Ill, Glue-Sniffing Parrot With Tourette’s

BANGOR, ME — Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues.

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August 12, 2022 10:48 am

To Restore Trust With Americans, FBI Names New Director Burt Macklin

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization. Burt Macklin, a 20-year veteran of the bureau, will take command immediately.

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August 12, 2022 10:16 am

FBI Raids Nicolas Cage’s Home After Tip He Has Declaration Of Independence

LAS VEGAS, NV — The FBI raided the home of Nicholas Cage in the early morning hours Friday after an anonymous tip that he had stolen the Declaration of Independence.

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August 11, 2022 2:54 pm

Hilarious, Fun, Loving Dad Who Knows Everything Turns Into Lame, Boring Moron The Moment Boy Turns 14

MEMPHIS, TN — According to sources, local dad Trey Marson is historically known by his kids as the most hilarious, fun, smart dad on earth. Unfortunately, he recently announced his son’s 14th birthday — marking his transition into a totally lame and bo…

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August 11, 2022 2:00 pm

Gamers Eagerly Await The Release Of ‘Call Of Duty: IRS Auditor’

SANTA MONICA, CA — Activision Blizzard introduced the world to its latest entry in the Call of Duty franchise, entitled Call of Duty: IRS Auditor. Developed by Treyarch Studios, IRS Auditor will take gamers on an epic adventure full of national warfare…

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August 11, 2022 1:41 pm

Angel Outside Trump’s Empty Safe Tells FBI Agents, ‘Behold! The Document You Seek Is Not Here!’

MAR-A-LAGO, FL — New reports from Mar-a-Lago indicate that during Monday’s raid, FBI agents searching the house ran quickly to see the safe only to find it empty with an angel of the Lord standing beside it. According to eyewitnesses, the FBI agents tr…

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