January 28, 2022 4:05 pm

Joe Biden Beats Out Brussels Sprouts For America’s Least Favorite Vegetable

U.S.—A new Gallup Poll shows President Biden beating out the infamous Brussels Sprout for America’s least favorite vegetable. The poll, partially conducted as a survey for TV’s Family Feud, has been criticized by the Biden administration as “unfair.”

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January 28, 2022 3:13 pm

Buttigieg Celebrates Death Of Racist Pittsburgh Bridge

PITTSBURGH, PA—Fern Hollow Bridge in Pittsburgh collapsed Friday morning, injuring ten people. Luckily no one was killed, although the bridge itself died violently. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg arrived at the scene hours later where h…

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January 28, 2022 1:59 pm

Trudeau Claims Truckers Only Hate Him Because He’s Black

OTTAWA—A “freedom convoy” of Canadian truckers is on its way to Ottawa in protest of vaccine mandates. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is pushing back at accusations of tyrannical government overreach by claiming the truckers just hate him because he’s black.

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January 28, 2022 1:28 pm

Biden Puts New White House Cat In Charge Of Border Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a last-ditch effort to address the mounting immigration crisis on the U.S. southern border, President Biden has named Willow—the newest White House cat—as America’s border czar.

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January 28, 2022 1:01 pm

China Changes Ending Of ‘Winnie The Pooh’ So Pooh Conquers The World And Enslaves Ethnic Minorities

BEIJING—After successfully changing the ending of ‘Fight Club’ to one where the state authorities win, China’s Ministry of Culture has released a new version of Disney’s 1977 film, ‘The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.’ In the new ending, Pooh conquers the world and enslaves ethnic minorities.

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January 28, 2022 11:13 am

Traveler Having Trouble Finding Luggage Among Scores Of Illegal Immigrants On Baggage Claim Carousel

CHICAGO O’HARE—Local businessman Garth Puttysmite had no idea his trip to the Central Division Homemade Soaps & Lotions Convention would include an hours-long search for his luggage due to the scores of illegal immigrants accumulating on the baggage claim carousel.

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January 28, 2022 10:27 am

Democrats Clarify They’re Only Pro-Choice About Killing Kids, Not About Where They Attend School

WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children a…

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January 28, 2022 9:57 am

Biden Seen Looking At Paint Color Swatches To Choose Next Supreme Court Justice

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court Justice.
The post Biden Seen Looking At Paint Color Swatches To Choose Next Supreme …

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January 27, 2022 3:30 pm

Osteen Unable To Complete Wordle As Word Is ‘Bible’

HOUSTON, TX—Televangelist Joel Osteen grew frustrated Thursday morning when he was unable to complete the day’s Wordle puzzle because the answer was “BIBLE,” a term with which he is not familiar.

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January 27, 2022 2:53 pm

Report: Strong Spike In Google Searches For ‘Who Is Neil Young’

U.S.—For some unknown reason, several outlets are reporting a strong spike in internet searches for “Who is Neil Young?” With little information about this unknown character available, and with all memory of the man’s existence having been erased from America’s collective memory for decades, many are still being left guessing.

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January 27, 2022 2:07 pm

Amy Schneider’s Winning Streak Ended After Being Asked To Name The Gender That Has Two X Chromosomes

BURBANK, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider’s winning streak on Jeopardy has ended. Despite holding the record for Jeopardy’s highest-earning female contestant ever, Schneider was defeated after being confounded by the clue, ‘this gender has two X chromosomes.’

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January 27, 2022 12:07 pm

Polite Canadian Truck Drivers Ask Evil, Tyrannical Government To ‘Please Restore Our Freedoms If You Don’t Mind, Eh’

CANADA—Over 50,000 trucker drivers are driving all the way from Vancouver to Ottawa to protest the federal government’s vaccine mandates. They plan to drive straight up to the heart of the evil, tyrannical government and politely ask them …

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January 27, 2022 10:55 am

Biden Commits To Picking A Diversity Hire For SCOTUS Since That Worked So Well With His VP

WASHINGTON, D.C—Justice Stephen Breyer has announced he is retiring from the Supreme Court, sparking intense speculation for who Biden will be nominating to replace him. In response, the President has pledged to nominate a woman of color for SCO…

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January 27, 2022 10:09 am

New Minnie Mouse Pantsuit Design Includes Baton For Beating Uyghur Prisoners

PARIS—Minnie Mouse will be sporting a new look this March for Women’s History Month when she finalizes her divorce from Mickey and becomes an independent businesswoman in a pantsuit. The new outfit comes with a stylish baton for beating Uyghur prisoners who miss their manufacturing quota.

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