February 7, 2024 9:44 am

Trump Endorses Bud Light, Names Dylan Mulvaney As Running Mate

PALM BEACH. FL — In a surprise move, former President Donald Trump endorsed Bud Light as the "Official Beer Of MAGA" and announced trans icon Dylan Mulvany as his running mate in the 2024 election.

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February 6, 2024 2:43 pm

New Besties Tucker And Putin Seen Riding Bear Through Moscow While Chugging Vodka

MOSCOW — As the world anticipates their exclusive interview together, local witnesses reported seeing new besties Tucker Carlson and Vladimir Putin riding a bear through Moscow while chugging vodka.

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February 6, 2024 1:48 pm

After Death Of Immigration Bill, McConnell Gives Republicans Silent Treatment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a crushing defeat of an immigration bill in the Senate, an angry Mitch McConnell has elected to give his Republican colleagues the silent treatment.

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February 6, 2024 1:12 pm

Trump Promises If Elected He Will Legalize Punching Vision Pro Wearers In The Face

U.S. — Donald Trump has reportedly vowed, if once more imbued with the powers of the presidency, to legalize the punching of people who wear the Apple Vision Pro in public.

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February 6, 2024 12:09 pm

Is Your Date Transgender? 10 Signs To Look For

Dating in 2024 isn’t the same as it was in generations past. Why? Your date might be one of those transgenders. Surgical advancements and breakthroughs in hormone therapy have made it more difficult to know if you’re dating a male or female than ever b…

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February 6, 2024 10:31 am

Study Confirms 100% Of Men Agree With Toby Keith That They Should’ve Been A Cowboy

PAULS VALLEY, OK — Following the passing of country music star Toby Keith, a new study confirmed that 100% of men agree with Keith that they should’ve been cowboys.

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February 6, 2024 9:46 am

Biden Touts Productive Climate Change Meeting With French Leader Napoleon Bonaparte

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Members of the media were stunned and impressed yesterday after President Joe Biden touted the productive climate change meeting he had this past week with French leader Napoleon Bonaparte.

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February 5, 2024 3:46 pm

Want To Get Rich? Here Are 8 Things You Should Invest In As Soon As Possible

You may or may not be tired of living like just a regular, run-of-the-mill person, but in order to change your status, you need to be fabulously wealthy. What do you need to do to become fabulously wealthy? Get elected to the U.S. Congress. Unfortunate…

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February 5, 2024 1:41 pm

Family’s Printer Lasts Record 13 Print Jobs

GOSHEN, IN — According to sources, a local family’s home printer has lasted for 13 printing jobs before failing catastrophically and breaking down, breaking the previous world record of 11.

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February 5, 2024 1:26 pm

Church Pit Crew Rushes To Change Pastor Out Of Suit Into Hawaiian Shirt For Contemporary Service

WICHITA, KS — With mere seconds to work with after the traditional service went long, the First Baptist Church pit crew rushed in to change Pastor Gary out of his suit and into a Hawaiian shirt before the contemporary service.

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February 5, 2024 11:16 am

Man Who Uses 37 Matches To Start BBQ Grill Pretty Sure He Could Survive Alone In The Woods Of Alaska

DES MOINES, IA — Any impending societal collapse would likely pose no threat to a local man who, despite needing 37 matches to start his grill, expressed total confidence that he could survive alone in the woods of Alaska.

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February 5, 2024 8:52 am

New Senate Anti-Murder Bill Caps Murders At 5,000 Per Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark compromise between Democrats and Republicans, the Senate is set to vote on a new anti-murder bill that will limit the allowed murders to only 5,000 per day.

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February 4, 2024 1:08 pm

In Lieu of Spending $3500 On Apple Vision Pro, Man Just Puts Sign On His Face That Says ‘I Am A Complete Tool’

ANAHEIM, CA — Local man Tom Reynolds decided to forego shelling out thousands of dollars for the Apple Vision Pro and instead simply affix a sign to his forehead declaring, "I am a complete tool".

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February 4, 2024 11:41 am

Couple In Prayer Over Decision To Possibly Sit In Different Pew This Sunday

ARLINGTON, TX — Local couple Dan and Emily Wise have begun earnestly praying over the difficult decision to potentially sit in a different pew at Sunday morning worship service.

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