November 2, 2023 5:11 pm

9 Ways To Scare Off Californians Looking To Move Into Your Neighborhood

Wait a minute, is that young couple looking for a home in your neighborhood from California? You better get them out of here pronto before they turn your beautiful state into a socialist cesspool! If you don’t, you’ll both have to look for a new state …

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November 2, 2023 5:10 pm

‘We’re Gonna Get A Head Start On Christmas Shopping This Year,’ Says Family That’s Going To Be Frantically Shopping At 5 PM On Christmas Eve

TULSA, OK — In a bold pledge, a local family has announced it will accomplish all of its Christmas gift shopping early this year, despite the fact that they will, once again, all be scrambling to stores at 5 P.M. on Christmas Eve later this year.

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November 2, 2023 12:25 pm

California Proposes Another Minimum Wage Increase So People Can Afford Products Made More Expensive By Previous Minimum Wage Increase

SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom has called on the California state legislature to pass yet another minimum wage increase so that citizens can afford the products that have been made more expensive due to the previous minimum wage increase, sourc…

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November 2, 2023 12:25 am

‘South Park’ Blasts Disney For Pretending Diverse Casting Can Replace Storytelling

The new rule is protagonists will always be women, LGBT, or people of color, and the antagonists will usually be straight white males.

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November 1, 2023 8:06 pm

God Rewards Only Team That Doesn’t Have A Pride Night With World Series Win

PHOENIX, AZ — The Lord has granted a World Series championship to the Texas Rangers, the one and only Major League Baseball team to not host a Pride Night.

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November 1, 2023 3:09 pm

The 14 Scariest Costumes From Halloween 2023

The Reese’s cups have all been eaten and another Halloween is in the books — meaning it’s time for The Babylon Bee’s roundup of the scariest costumes we saw in 2023! Read on — if you dare:

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November 1, 2023 1:25 pm

‘We May Never Know Exactly What Hamas Wants’ Says Reporter In Front Of Hamas Holding ‘Exterminate Jews From Existence’ Banner

GAZA — Members of the media remain unsure of the motivation behind Hamas’ violent attacks against Israel, with a reporter on the scene left speculating while Hamas terrorists held up a banner behind her with "EXTERMINATE THE JEWS FROM EXISTENCE&#34…

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November 1, 2023 12:41 pm

Neighbors Nervously Ask Hillary Clinton If She’s Gonna Take Those Dead Body Decorations Down Now That Halloween Is Over

CHAPPAQUA, NY — On Wednesday, a group of concerned neighbors nervously approached the old Clinton house and asked if there were any plans to put "all the dead bodies away."

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November 1, 2023 12:23 pm

Weird: Halloween Over But Colin Kaepernick Is Still Pretending To Be A Football Player

LAS VEGAS, NV — Despite the fact that Halloween ended last night, unemployed political activist Colin Kaepernick was still seen this morning pretending to be a football player.

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November 1, 2023 9:40 am

Dad Sadly Informs Kids A Robber Broke In Last Night And Only Stole Their Reese’s Cups

ROCKFORD, IL — After tragedy struck a local family last night, local dad Jordan Duckworth bore the unenviable task of notifying his children that a burglar had broken into their home and stolen all of the Reese’s peanut butter cups they had received wh…

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October 31, 2023 5:47 pm

Terrifying Haunted House Where They Rip Humans Limb From Limb Actually Just A Planned Parenthood

NEW YORK, NY — Halloween revelers were shocked this week after a new haunted house that had gained strong notoriety for featuring human bodies being ripped limb from limb turned out to simply be a Planned Parenthood clinic.

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October 31, 2023 2:22 pm

Secret Service Mistakenly Spends Four Hours Protecting Halloween Butler Decoration

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an embarrassing gaffe, several members of the United States Secret Service spent over four hours protecting what turned out to just be a Halloween butler decoration in the entryway of the White House.

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October 31, 2023 1:08 pm

Portland Neighborhood Terrified By Residents Dressed Up As Normal Middle-Class Family

PORTLAND — Unhinged terror has cast its evil shadow upon the quaint northern Portland neighborhood of Portsmouth in response to reports that several locals dressed up as a stable, happy, middle-class family.

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October 31, 2023 12:30 pm

Spooky! Lori Lightfoot Dresses Up As Lori Lightfoot

CHICAGO, IL — Mayor Lori Lightfoot sent shivers down the spines of Chicagoans as she revealed her spine-tingling costume: none other than herself. The city was left stunned and slightly perplexed as the mayor emerged in what can only be described as th…

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