February 1, 2024 9:11 am

Gaza Votes For Ceasefire In Chicago

GAZA — Amidst an ongoing conflict between Hamas and Israel, residents of Gaza banded together Thursday to vote for a ceasefire in Chicago, a city they say is an absolute war zone.

Tags: ,

January 31, 2024 3:50 pm

Biden Names Elmo New Press Secretary

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After seeing Elmo’s incredible knack for connecting with the average American, President Biden has officially announced Elmo as the new White House Press Secretary.

Tags: ,

January 31, 2024 3:18 pm

After Asking Nation How It’s Doing, Elmo Announces Next Sesame Street Episode Will Be Sponsored By Letter ‘X’ For Xanax

SESAME STREET — Following the overwhelming response to an innocuous social media post in which he asked the nation how it’s doing, Elmo later announced that the next Sesame Street episode will be sponsored by the letter ‘X’ for Xanax.

Tags: ,

January 31, 2024 2:22 pm

10 Newly-Discovered Side Effects Of Neuralink

Tech billionaire Elon Musk recently announced the first human has received the revolutionary Neuralink brain implant. While many are clamoring to be next in line to get a brain chip fired into their brains, we at the Babylon Bee ask that you first be a…

Tags: ,

January 31, 2024 1:56 pm

Mayorkas Says He’s Not Sure How He Can Be Impeached When He Doesn’t Even Do Anything

WASHINGTON. D.C. — An incredulous Alexander Mayorkas expressed shock at the House of Representatives recommending a vote on his impeachment, as he is unclear how a person doing absolutely nothing can be impeached.

Tags: ,

January 31, 2024 1:10 pm

The Babylon Bee Guide To Which Statues You Can And Can’t Tear Down

In the year 2024, knowing which statues you can tear down is more confusing then ever! Will you be hailed as a hero of progress for fighting valiantly against colonization, or vilified and brought up on criminal charges for vandalizing a sacred monumen…

Tags: ,

January 31, 2024 11:59 am

Iowa Charges God With Hate Crime For Casting Satan Into Lake Of Fire

DES MOINES, IA — Polk County prosecutors have formally charged God with a hate crime and third-degree criminal mischief for casting Satan, that serpent of old, into the lake of fire.

Tags: ,